Tag: therapy

Job Crafting

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Happy Labor Day!  In honor of this holiday that “celebrates the social and economic achievements of American workers” (dol.gov), this post will focus on boosting our happiness at work through job crafting.

I first learned the term “job crafting” from The Happiness Lab podcast by Dr. Laurie Santos. Dr. Laurie is a psychologist at Yale who teaches the most popular course on campus, Psychology and the Good Life.  The class and the podcast teach simple and practical ways to boost our happiness using psychological principles.  Dr. Laurie takes a scientific study and uses her funny and approachable style to offer real-world methods for improving wellbeing in our personal lives and at work.

In the episode on job crafting (found here) Dr. Laurie covers the idea that work is much more than a place to earn money.  Everyone wants to do work that matters and job crafting is a way to reframe our work in order to recognize the contributions we make.  And this concept can apply in any work environment – even low-prestige jobs.

I love the interview with Marty, the Yale pest control specialist, who loves his work and views it as a way to contribute to the world.  Pest management isn’t typically considered a glamorous role, but Marty uses job crafting to view his work as helping the students on campus.  They feel comfortable and have a good living experience, in part because he’s available to remove unwanted critters.

Another example of job crafting referenced in the podcast involves hospital janitorial staff on a chemotherapy ward.  These folks might also view their job as not-so-glamorous, especially since a big part of the work involves cleaning up vomit.  Dr. Laurie uses the example of trying to brighten a patient’s day by making light of this cleaning up and saying “it’s alright because it’s job security for me.”  If pest control and vomit-cleaning can be jobs that matter then any of us can find something about our work that matters.  

Job crafting is a way for us to bring our unique strengths to our work.  It’s good for our mental health to have a purpose and feel that our contributions matter.  Cashiers can job craft with small talk that makes someone smile as they ring up their purchase.  Farmers can job craft by remembering that the long days of harvest feed the livestock and the people of the world. Garbage collectors can job craft by remembering that without them, cities would be breeding grounds for the plague.

Happy Labor Day!  May you return to work tomorrow refreshed and focusing on the unique contribution you make there.

Enneagram 4: The Individualist

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An introduction, critique, and invitation from our resident Enneagram Four

By Toby Kriwiel, LMFT

The last blog post was about The Enneagram 3 (click HERE to go back and read it). 

When I was first introduced to the Enneagram, I held some skepticism. The idea that there are nine types of human personalities seemed like a pretty thin idea to me. The Enneagram has a long history that has formed over centuries, but I was first introduced to it in 2019. At that time, I was a student in a masters program for Marriage and Family Therapy, and probably even more so, a student of the human experience. It was not a part of the curriculum, but the Enneagram seemed to be popping up everywhere else — on social media, at dinner tables, and in introductions with other people. I continued to grapple with my skepticism, and what I perceived as an attempt to put people in (yet another) box. When I shared these thoughts with people who were more versed in the ideas of the Enneagram, I often received the response of “oh, that seems like a very ‘Four’ thing to say.” I then read more about the Enneagram, and the Type Four, and soon knew that in the world of the Enneagram – I am, in fact, a Four.

The Enneagram Type Four is “The Individualist.” 

“Fours are self-aware, sensitive, and reserved. They are emotionally honest, creative, and personal, but can also be moody and self-conscious” (The Enneagram Institute, 2024) 

Fours have also been called “The Romantic” (Road Back to You, 2016). Introspection can be a meaningful retreat for the Four, though it can at times be riddled with loneliness, grief, and insecurity. “More than any other type, Fours are acutely aware of and focused on their personal differences and deficiencies.” (The Enneagram Institute, 2024)

Emotions hold strong priority in the life of a Four. These emotions are not simply small notifications in the corners of their lives, but rather, powerful sources of guidance and deep wisdom for Fours as they navigate their world, their days, and their relationships. This emotional awareness can be so rich. At the same time, it can also be a source of difficulty, particularly in a culture that often de-prioritizes emotions as a part of the human experience. In the article last week here on the HTA blog, Sarah explained that Enneagram Threes (known as The Performer) are often rewarded for their “Three-ness”… in ways of popularity, financial success, or social influence. Positive reinforcement does not come so easily for Fours. While the strengths of the Fours can be more subtle, these strengths and values can also make many things possible.

To find Fours, you can simply open your Spotify app (or wherever you listen to music), or you can shuffle through the shelves of poetry at the library, or take a stroll through an art museum. You also might find a Four next to a sauce pan over medium-low heat, whisking away at the complex aromas that might just need one more slight touch of oregano, and a pinch more of salt, and oooh, a few drops of lemon juice. Or, you might find a Four in a quiet conversation, when grief wells up in your heart, and maybe in your tear ducts, and they do not flinch, but invite you into the beauty of your own emotion. Fours can have a way of both expanding our worlds and making us feel less alone.

I remember a time, as a teenager, when my dad came home with a few Bob Dylan albums he had just purchased. I had not yet heard of Bob Dylan. When he put the CD in the car for the first time, I winced at the dude’s voice coming through the speakers. It was gnarly. I chalked it up to my dad’s lacking tastes in music (rather than my own narrow tastes as a teenager). But those albums stayed in the car, and for some reason, I kept listening. And I felt things, new things, and the times started a-changing, and I learned something about myself and the possibility of lyrics, and poetic expressions of deep thought. In the world of the Enneagram, I am happy to share the space of being a “Four” with the Freewheelin’ Bob Dylan. 

"Yes, and how many times must a man look up,
Before he can see the sky?
And how many ears must one man have
Before be can hear people cry?"
Blowin' In The Wind -- Bob Dylan, 1962

Now as a self-identified 4, and as a therapist too, I do still hold critique for the ideas of the Enneagram. This might be a bit of a hot take – but I think there is approximately 8.2 billion personality types in the world, currently. If we include the history of the human race, well now we are talking about an estimated 100 billion types of personality; an unfathomable number. The Enneagram, with its nine types, is by nature reducing something that is very complex – human ways of being. These ways of being are very influenced by culture, and history, and geography, and family, and stories, all of which is not able to be fully considered within the Enneagram.

That being said, the Enneagram can make the complex conversation of “who are we?” more approachable and inviting. I have found myself in many meaningful conversations with friends and colleagues through the language and ideas of the Enneagram. These conversations led to meaningful connections, and the feeling of being seen and understood (which is like gold for a Four). It also helped me show up for others in ways that are more kind and caring. So – I think the Enneagram can be very useful for the connections and explorations it makes possible for us. And, again saying this as a “Four”, that when it becomes limiting, or boxy, it will then be a good time to remember that the Enneagram is in fact, just an idea.

If you would like to know more about the Enneagram Type Four, or the Enneagram in general, a great place to start is The Enneagram Institute. A popular book for an introduction to the Enneagram, with a Christian influence, is The Road Back to You by Ian Morgan Cron and Suzanne Stabile.

Or if you have further questions, or thoughts, and would also like to find yourself in a conversation around the Enneagram, you can reach out to me via email at toby@therapyhorizon.com.

Thanks for reading, and remember to experience your feelings!! 

— Toby Kriwiel, LMFT

Enneagram 3: The Performer

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The last blog post was about The Enneagram 2 (click HERE to go back and read it). 

This week focuses on Enneagram Three, The Performer.  Healthy Threes are movers and shakers who set goals but know how to balance work and rest.  They are comfortable in the spotlight but also in following someone else’s lead.  

Threes can do any kind of work, but if there are ladders to climb at work you can bet Threes are climbing them.  They are drawn to leadership and thrive in the spotlight.  Almost chameleon-like, Threes can read a room and be the version of themselves they need to be to find success there.  Put them in a group of executives and they’ve got the charisma and industry knowledge to mix and mingle.  With family they’ve got a different set of social skills and the same is true with a volunteer board, bowling league, or church group.  Threes tend to be good with people.

The deadly sin of Threes is deceit.  This doesn’t necessarily mean they lie to others but rather to themselves.  When they aren’t healthy, all of the image crafting and winning over others can leave Threes unsure about who they really are.  Threes can struggle with taking time for self-reflection.  They use the superpower of understanding others’ emotions to be successful in relationships but sometimes feel their own emotions get in the way of meeting goals.  My Threes as therapy clients learn to slow down and reflect on their own values and then set goals in alignment with these values.

Threes and Ones must be a good friendship combo because several of my closest friends are Threes.  Both personalities are driven and goal-oriented. A major difference I see between Ones and Threes is in cutting corners.  Ones will stress out if the bookshelf has extra screws at the end of building it while Threes mostly care that it’s done.  

There’s a competitive nature to Threes when they’re honest with themselves.  Years ago, a Three friend commented that they liked “being a big fish in a small pond” and I think this is a great example of a Three doing enough personal reflection to be able to recognize their competitive streak and even find humor in it. 

Some famous Threes are Taylor Swift, Jen Hatmaker, and probably a great many celebrities and politicians.  Capitalism and social media reward Three-ness.  The authors of The Road Back to You (available HERE) call the United States a Three Country, so I’m guessing there’s a little Three in all of us.

Enneagram 2: The Helper

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The last blog post was about The Enneagram 1 (click HERE to go back and read it). 

This week’s topic is Enneagram Two, a good topic for me because I identify as a One with a Two wing.  You might ask “What is a wing?”  Basically it means that each personality takes on some of the characteristics of an adjacent number.  So, as a One I can have a 9 wing or a 2 wing.  My second highest score after taking an enneagram personality test (found HERE) was Two.  I answered yes to 13 of the 20 “What it’s like to be a Two” questions in The Road Back to You (available HERE) so I have some lived experience regarding Twos.  

Healthy Twos are caregivers who set good boundaries by knowing what is their job and what isn’t.  They are warm, generous and kind.  When Twos are honest with themselves, however, they have a subconscious expectation that others will do things for them in return.  There can be a quid pro quo-ness to their generosity.  When they are less healthy, Twos need to be needed and pride themselves in being indispensable.  Unhealthy Twos can fall into codependent patterns and stay in relationships where they allow situations they’re really not okay with. 

Twos can be found in any profession but often are drawn to helping professions like teaching, healthcare and child services.  They thrive in these environments.  However, the challenges with boundary-setting and not knowing how much to give or when to stop can lead to burnout when Twos aren’t leaving work at work.  Many a Two has landed in my office because they’re stressed out, working crazy hours, nearly going broke caring financially for people who aren’t their responsibility, and feeling resentful and used.

The enneagram has a deadly sin attached to each number and pride is attached to Twos.  Many Twos have been surprised, if not offended, by being associated with pridefulness.  This idea of pride isn’t in the traditional sense.  It’s more a pride of “I alone can fix everything” and “I know what you need better than you know” kind of thinking.  Twos can grow by learning to allow others to make mistakes, not automatically helping in every situation, and being clearer about their own needs.

Most Twos have an emotions radar and can walk into a room and know which person in the room is upset, which is bored, and which is dating another in the room.  This radar is a blessing and a curse.  Twos can fall into emotional reasoning and say things like “I just feel like they’re mad at me” or “Why do I have to ask my partner for something…shouldn’t they just know what I need?”  Twos see the world through relationships and this is where some personal reflection and knowing that not everyone sees the world the way that you see it can be helpful.   

Some famous Twos are Dolly Parton, Desmond Tutu and Princess Diana.  To be loved by a Two can be the most precious gift.  The world is a better place when Twos bring their optimistic and empathic caregiver energy and Twos are all the better when they recognize the limits of their giving.  My favorite quote for Twos is from Prentis Hemphill: “Boundaries are the distance at which I can love you and me simultaneously.” 

Enneagram 1: The Perfectionist or Improver

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The last blog post was about The Enneagram (click HERE to go back and read it). 

Here we go with Enneagram One, a good starting place because I identify as a One.  After answering yes to 16 of the 20 “What it’s like to be a One” questions in The Road Back to You (available HERE) it feels pretty safe to say I’m a One.  Initially I wasn’t thrilled to know my number.  Ones are notoriously hard on themselves and I could focus only on the negative aspects of being a One – critical, rigid, perfectionistic.  I had a terrible feeling of being found out, as though someone had shined a light on places in my subconscious of which I’m not proud.   It’s taken me some time to see the positives of my One-ness.  

For example, healthy Ones are focused on a life of service and integrity.  They see the world as it could be and work for the common good.  There’s an optimism in balanced Ones that feels really beautiful.  Time travel movies often focus on small changes in the past that lead to big changes in today, Ones can see it in reverse and believe that small changes today can lead to big changes in the future.  But not everyone sees the world the way Ones see it, which can lead Ones to unhealthy mantras of “Why don’t people care as much as I do? and “Why do I have to do everything myself?” Ones tend to stuff down the disappointment and seething resentment until it explodes.  

Inside every One there’s a harsh inner critic.  Mine is much less vocal now due to training in cognitive-behavioral therapy.  Sometimes the inner critic is more a feeling like tightness in my chest when perfectionism is triggered.  I want to do the right thing all the time.  And I want to do the right thing so much that it can lead me not to do the right thing.  I wear myself out working too hard, overfunctioning, and people-pleasing to the point I become resentful and unkind (not the right thing).

Ones have a hard time relaxing and it feels physically impossible to unwind if there are tasks to complete. We feel physically uncomfortable in a messy space.  The inner critic notices all the undone tasks and reminds again and again until we just get up and do those things.  Ones are hard workers.  As the Road Back to You authors say “if you want someone who is efficient, ethical, meticulous, reliable, and does the work of two people, hire a One.”  The exception to this rule applies to projects Ones think they won’t be able to do perfectly, which can lead Ones to procrastinate since the harsh inner critic will notice the flaws forever.  

Ones can work to be healthier by letting go of the over-the-top high standards and work to see the gray in life.  Most things aren’t perfect or horrible, but somewhere in the middle.  It helps to name the inner critic and notice when that voice is especially loud.  It probably means a One needs to take a break, ask for help, or give themselves permission to do something fun.  Self-compassion is the One’s antidote to harsh self-criticism.

Ones have many gifts to share.  I’m proud to think of myself in the same group as Brene Brown, Nelson Mandela, Hermione Granger and Steve Jobs.   I don’t hate being a One.  I don’t necessarily love it, either.  It’s gray.     

So You Want to Be a Therapist

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Since starting a private practice almost 6 years ago, I’ve been asked to attend multiple career fairs and to host visits with middle and high school students interested in mental health professions.  It’s exciting to see young people interested in the field and I hope I can inspire their professional ambitions and offer perspective on the realities of mental health as a career.

First, I share that becoming a therapist will require a bachelor’s and a master’s degree.  There isn’t a specific bachelor’s degree, but therapists often start in a field like social work, psychology, sociology, or family studies.  I started out as an undergrad thinking I wanted to become a physician but quickly I found I don’t like chemistry.  Looking ahead I saw a whole lot more chemistry and realized that path wasn’t for me.  I spent a couple semesters discerning my major until I took a course called Introduction to Human Development and it changed the trajectory of my career.  I loved studying for that class and I felt inspired to learn more, so much that I made it my bachelor’s degree major.

After earning a bachelor’s degree, therapists need a master’s and there are several paths to get there, including social work, marriage and family therapy, counseling and psychology.  Each has its own particular flavor and I’m happy to talk through those with students interested in becoming therapists.  I took the social work path and it was a great decision for me.  

Next I share with students the Bureau of Labor Statistics (bls.gov) information about six important skills needed in this work.  The first three I summarize as the direct client work, including communication, empathy, and interpersonal skills.  If you generally don’t like people, this is not the field for you.  The second three are the indirect work, including problem-solving, time management and organizational skills.  Having supervised at least a dozen bachelor’s and master’s-level students, I can attest that these skills are key.  I believe they can be improved, but a baseline in those six areas is necessary to be successful in the field.

In the last section, I highlight the pros and cons of practicing in an outpatient private practice clinic in a rural area.  Positives include the rewarding nature of the work, a growing field due to a high demand for therapy, and flexibility in setting your own schedule.  Some negative aspects are combating burnout, difficulties with insurance reimbursement, and the potential for dual relationships in a small town.

I’m hopeful as I see young people prioritizing their mental health and de-stigmatizing seeking therapy.  I love my work and I love sharing that passion with others, hopefully inspiring the next generation of helping professionals.  

Finding Your Unicorn Space

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I haven’t written here in a long time.  Actually I checked and it’s just shy of two years.  We all were knee-deep in the pandemic then, virtual school and all.  That post was on creating a gap plan and it reflected where I was emotionally.  Just survival. 

With gratitude I don’t find myself in that level of stress today.  I’d like to hope I, and all of us, have grown since that time, including re-prioritizing our lives to focus on what’s most important.  I’ve been reading more in the past couple years, most recently a book by Eve Rodsky called Finding Your Unicorn Space.  The tagline sold me – “reclaim your creative life in a too-busy world.”  Boom.  Part of the re-prioritizing for me involves creativity, slowing down, and reflecting.

The book defines a Unicorn Space as the active pursuit of creative self-expression and reinforces that creativity is not an option but rather an essential part of being human.  We crave this.  I enjoyed reading about other folks’ unicorn spaces, ranging from common pursuits such as gardening or woodworking to amateur trapeze artistry or joining a hip hop dance troupe.  

This sent me on a quest to consider my own Unicorn Spaces.  Where do I feel creative and uniquely me?  It was hard to think of something initially.  Basically I spend a lot of my time working or driving kids to practice.  I do enjoy making craft-y things but my Cricut is covered in dust.  I enjoy cooking or baking on occasion.  I’m a fan of a heart-pumping group fitness workout but I’m not sure if that even counts as Unicorn Space.  I like to write but my mind tells me “I’m not a writer.”  I heard Eve Rodsky say in a podcast interview that we need to get away from “noun-ifying” our lives with comments like “I’m not a gardener” or “I’m not an artist” and instead to “verb-ify” our lives with “I grow stuff” or “I paint.” It’s process over perfection.

So here I am creating a blog post for my business website.  I’m not a blogger.  But occasionally I write.  It’s a creative outlet.  I enjoy the process.  I have no idea if it makes any impact in the world but it impacts me as a pursuit of creative self-expression.  It’s a Unicorn Space and I’m planning to spend more time actively pursuing this.

FYI I’ve grown increasingly interested in mental health for all, not just for folks who have a mental health diagnosis. Everyone can improve their mental health and work toward a more fulfilling life. I think that’s the purpose of this blog – to bring awareness and some tidbits for anyone to use. Perhaps this will spark an interest in someone to find their own Unicorn Space.

Why Horizon?

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Welcome!  This is the blog associated with my therapy practice, Horizon Mental Health.  This being my first post, I thought I should explain why I chose “Horizon” for the name.

A few years ago I went though a difficult time in my life.  Perhaps I’ll discuss that more in future posts, but for now I’ll focus on what it felt like at that time.  I had a very specific metaphor that kept coming back to me, that of being in a vast body of water.  It was cold and I was weary from treading for so long.  It was all I could do to keep my head above.  I was exhausted and I didn’t know which way to go.  I could see land but it was so far away on the horizon I didn’t believe I could get there.

So I went to a therapist.

And it was incredibly helpful.

Sticking with the metaphor, she threw me a life preserver so I could take a minute to catch my breath.  She helped me refocus on the various directions I might go and reminded me that I already know how to swim.  My therapist also reminded me that the one who created the sea and who walks on water was with me and would not let me drown.

Ultimately, I made it to that distant place that I had seen on the horizon.  And I arrived there stronger, more fit to manage life’s challenges, and better able to make it to the next place on another horizon.  Seeing a therapist also showed me that I have the skills to ‘sit in the other chair’ and that I am called to do that work.  Therapy is not magic.  But it can have an impact that feels almost magical in the way it can transform lives.

I don’t know where you are in life.  But if you are struggling, I want you to know that therapy can be incredibly powerful and life-changing.  It’s difficult admitting that you don’t have it all together, calling a therapist, or accepting help.  I shared this post in my hope that someone reading it who is in a vulnerable place might have the courage to seek therapy.  You have no idea what might be on the horizon.