An introduction, critique, and invitation from our resident Enneagram Four

By Toby Kriwiel, LMFT

The last blog post was about The Enneagram 3 (click HERE to go back and read it). 

When I was first introduced to the Enneagram, I held some skepticism. The idea that there are nine types of human personalities seemed like a pretty thin idea to me. The Enneagram has a long history that has formed over centuries, but I was first introduced to it in 2019. At that time, I was a student in a masters program for Marriage and Family Therapy, and probably even more so, a student of the human experience. It was not a part of the curriculum, but the Enneagram seemed to be popping up everywhere else — on social media, at dinner tables, and in introductions with other people. I continued to grapple with my skepticism, and what I perceived as an attempt to put people in (yet another) box. When I shared these thoughts with people who were more versed in the ideas of the Enneagram, I often received the response of “oh, that seems like a very ‘Four’ thing to say.” I then read more about the Enneagram, and the Type Four, and soon knew that in the world of the Enneagram – I am, in fact, a Four.

The Enneagram Type Four is “The Individualist.” 

“Fours are self-aware, sensitive, and reserved. They are emotionally honest, creative, and personal, but can also be moody and self-conscious” (The Enneagram Institute, 2024) 

Fours have also been called “The Romantic” (Road Back to You, 2016). Introspection can be a meaningful retreat for the Four, though it can at times be riddled with loneliness, grief, and insecurity. “More than any other type, Fours are acutely aware of and focused on their personal differences and deficiencies.” (The Enneagram Institute, 2024)

Emotions hold strong priority in the life of a Four. These emotions are not simply small notifications in the corners of their lives, but rather, powerful sources of guidance and deep wisdom for Fours as they navigate their world, their days, and their relationships. This emotional awareness can be so rich. At the same time, it can also be a source of difficulty, particularly in a culture that often de-prioritizes emotions as a part of the human experience. In the article last week here on the HTA blog, Sarah explained that Enneagram Threes (known as The Performer) are often rewarded for their “Three-ness”… in ways of popularity, financial success, or social influence. Positive reinforcement does not come so easily for Fours. While the strengths of the Fours can be more subtle, these strengths and values can also make many things possible.

To find Fours, you can simply open your Spotify app (or wherever you listen to music), or you can shuffle through the shelves of poetry at the library, or take a stroll through an art museum. You also might find a Four next to a sauce pan over medium-low heat, whisking away at the complex aromas that might just need one more slight touch of oregano, and a pinch more of salt, and oooh, a few drops of lemon juice. Or, you might find a Four in a quiet conversation, when grief wells up in your heart, and maybe in your tear ducts, and they do not flinch, but invite you into the beauty of your own emotion. Fours can have a way of both expanding our worlds and making us feel less alone.

I remember a time, as a teenager, when my dad came home with a few Bob Dylan albums he had just purchased. I had not yet heard of Bob Dylan. When he put the CD in the car for the first time, I winced at the dude’s voice coming through the speakers. It was gnarly. I chalked it up to my dad’s lacking tastes in music (rather than my own narrow tastes as a teenager). But those albums stayed in the car, and for some reason, I kept listening. And I felt things, new things, and the times started a-changing, and I learned something about myself and the possibility of lyrics, and poetic expressions of deep thought. In the world of the Enneagram, I am happy to share the space of being a “Four” with the Freewheelin’ Bob Dylan. 

"Yes, and how many times must a man look up,
Before he can see the sky?
And how many ears must one man have
Before be can hear people cry?"

Blowin' In The Wind -- Bob Dylan, 1962

Now as a self-identified 4, and as a therapist too, I do still hold critique for the ideas of the Enneagram. This might be a bit of a hot take – but I think there is approximately 8.2 billion personality types in the world, currently. If we include the history of the human race, well now we are talking about an estimated 100 billion types of personality; an unfathomable number. The Enneagram, with its nine types, is by nature reducing something that is very complex – human ways of being. These ways of being are very influenced by culture, and history, and geography, and family, and stories, all of which is not able to be fully considered within the Enneagram.

That being said, the Enneagram can make the complex conversation of “who are we?” more approachable and inviting. I have found myself in many meaningful conversations with friends and colleagues through the language and ideas of the Enneagram. These conversations led to meaningful connections, and the feeling of being seen and understood (which is like gold for a Four). It also helped me show up for others in ways that are more kind and caring. So – I think the Enneagram can be very useful for the connections and explorations it makes possible for us. And, again saying this as a “Four”, that when it becomes limiting, or boxy, it will then be a good time to remember that the Enneagram is in fact, just an idea.

If you would like to know more about the Enneagram Type Four, or the Enneagram in general, a great place to start is The Enneagram Institute. A popular book for an introduction to the Enneagram, with a Christian influence, is The Road Back to You by Ian Morgan Cron and Suzanne Stabile.

Or if you have further questions, or thoughts, and would also like to find yourself in a conversation around the Enneagram, you can reach out to me via email at toby@therapyhorizon.com.

Thanks for reading, and remember to experience your feelings!! 

— Toby Kriwiel, LMFT